Unspoken words
Is the expression on my face

Crying out
Are the screams of my silence

Blindness
Are my diverting eyes

Love or isolation
Is this world I live in

Ah, sometimes, classical music is so calming.
Pachelbel - Canon In D
Bach - Air For The 'G' String

The sun rises
Seasons change
Rain pour and snow drifts
As the seconds
Minutes
Hours
Days
Months
Years
Past me by
I will remember you

Forgive me.
I've lost myself in the journey to find you.

Life Unattached
The pain deep within
That I tried to hide
Shielded like hollow tin
Forever it lives inside

It deepens everyday
Subconscious to my soul
Time hides it all away
But the bleeding takes its toll

The truth untold
I stumble in the dark
Please forever hold
My empty lonely heart

the ride to heaven - XRaVeNX

As the darkness falls
The battle rages within
Unanswered calls
My feelings torn

With a guiding hand
The age of old arrives
Giving me strength
To fight again

And now within
Rages a calmness
Unbound by unfeeling walls
I am free but a string

(have fun trying to interpret this one ;) )

Ack, no power tomorrow from 8 till 3pm... BOOO
So no internet for me. But then again, I'll be out in classes during that time anyways... so.. doesn't matter.
And hurray! mj's b-day tomorrow! Happy birthday mj if u're reading this!
Sorry I can't be there. And sorry I'm so broke. :(
Hope u have a good one.

Damn it... so broke.. so broke....
Bad bad... can't even get someone a b-day present properly now... grr
And snow... hell... snowstorm was hell. 4.5 hours!!! FREAKIN 4.5 hours!

Kathryn:
It was AWESOME! I loved it! And it was worth every effort and trouble to go! Now that I know how awesome it was, I woulda regretted it a lot if I missed it. My ears are STILL buzzing :D And OMG, you have a kick ass singing voice. You have no clue. It's really really nice and beautiful. And yes, I would like to have a copy of that CD... care to make a copy for me? :P And Adrian was sweet. LOL. He really has good showmanship. Wicked gig! Next time, I'm bringing a video cam :) And I love the songs! I love the veriety. Very very nice. I hope you had fun. Cuz I sure did and really enjoyed it. :) May I have u're autograph? :P

Dedatched from it all
Unaffected and isolated
With an all seeing eye
He gazes down

Looking glass-like at life
Understanding the joys and pains
A little too well
God must be lonely

[What's on your bedside table?]: No bedside table.. but behind my bed is my desk... so... telephone, mirror, clock, computer.
[What is the geekiest part of your music collection?]: eh.... i dunno... Weird Al?
[What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night?]: usually for a drink or i make toast
[What is your secret guaranteed weeping movie?]: None... movies rarely make me cry... the only one that really made me cry was City of Angels
[If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?]: eh.... i dunno... it would be nice if somehow I could be taller.
[Do you have a completely irrational fear?]: irrational? i dunno... i don't fear many things.
[What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moment?]: looking away.... and saying "um" a lot
[Do you ever have to beg?]: sometimes.... but i rarely beg
[Are you a pyromaniac?]: i like fires and explosions .. hehehe
[Do you have too many love interests?]: noo..
[Do you know anyone famous?]: eh.... no
[Describe your bed]: blue sheets, the covers are red, green and blue crisscrossed with white lines and there is a red and black fleece blankie under it
[Spontaneous or plan?]: Spontaneous
[Who should play you in a movie about your life?]: My life isn't very interesting
[Do you know how to play poker?]: yes
[What do you carry with you at all times?]: hrm... ring... that's about it. I carry my wallet, pen, and keys around lots but i don't carry them if they are not necessary. The ring, I keep on no matter what.
[How do you drive?]: eh... fast? lol... i dunno... ask the people that ride when I drive
[What do you miss most about being little?]: happy ignorance
[Are you happy with your given name?]: ya... whatever...
[How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for one year?]: guess quite a bit... cuz I use it to much.. and yes, I'm an Internet addict...
[What color is your bedroom?]: eh... I don't per say have MY bedroom.. but my room at Queen's is... pale-ish yellow/white.
[What was the last song you were listening to?]: Treble Charger - American Psycho
[Have you ever been in a play?]: Ya... long long time ago
[Who are your best friends?]: I only had 2 best friends in my life. One I lost contact with. The other is still here. But I'm not so sure.
[Have you ever been in love?]: Yes. Once.
[Do you talk a lot?]: No
[Do you like yourself and believe in yourself?]: I dunno
[Have you ever done any illegal drugs?]: Yep
[Do you think you're cute]?: hrm... no
[Do you consider yourself to be a nice person?]: sometimes...
[Do you spend more time with your girlfriend, boyfriend, or your friends?]: no gf ... so friends... but myself only most of the time
[spell your name backwards]: xelA
[where do you live]: Kingston/Toronto
[describe yourself in three words]: depressed, quiet, alone
[who is your worst enemy]: myself
[if you could have ANY animal for a pet, what would it be]: CAT!
[wallet]: black leather (possibly fake leather)
[hairbrush]: yes I have one
[toothbrush]: have one of those too
[jewelry worn daily]: ring
[blanket]: have one... but none that have any significance to me
[underwear]: white?
[shoes]: brown boots, or brown hiking shoes
[keychain]: Robotics key chain thingy that goes around u're neck
[tattoos]: none.. but might want one in the future
[piercings]: again none but maybe later
[current music]: Johnny Cash - Hurt
[wearing]: Street clothes
[hair]: quite dirty
[wishing]: for so many impossible things
[talking to]: no one
[ Name ]: Alex
[ Nicknames ]: RavX or XRaVeNX (internet nick), Al, Lex, Lexie... but i hear my nicknames rarely
[ Born in ]: Hong Kong
[ Resides in ]: Toronto
[ Eyes ]: dark brown
[ Shoe size ]: 7.5 to 8
[height]: 5'3"
[Weight]: 110lb (very light eh? :P )
Last time you..
[ Had a nightmare ]: don't remember
[ Said "I love you" and meant it ]: A week ago
[ Ate at McDonald's ]: Gawd... don't remember
[ Dyed your hair ]: last year
[ Brushed your hair ]: this morning?
[ Washed your hair ]: will be washing after i'm done this
[ Checked your e-mail ]: like 20 min ago
[ Cried ]: eh... a week ago
[ Called someone ]: yesterday
[ Smiled ]: i dunno....
[ Laughed ]: pretty often
[ Talked to an ex ]: No ex

Do You...
[ Smoke? ]: tried
[ Do drugs? ]: tried
[ Sleep with stuffed animals? ]: yes
[ Play an instrument? ]: piano
[ Remember your first love? ]: Yes... painfully
[ Still love him/her? ]: Yes
[ Have any straight friends? ]: Yes
[ Consider love a mistake? ]: No
[ Like the taste of alcohol? ]: yep
[ Believe in God? ]: No
[ Pray? ]: Sometimes (odd eh?)
[ Go to church? ]: No
[ Have any secrets? ]: Yes... duh
[ Talk to strangers who instant message you]: Eh.. very very rarely
[ Wear hats? ]: Not really... don't have one
[ Hate yourself? ]: not myself... but life
[ Have an obsession? ]: yep
[ Like your handwriting? ]: no
[ Have any bad habits? ]: Yes
[ Care about looks? ]: Sometimes and only certain aspects
[ Boy/girlfriend's looks? ]: None and not really very much
[ Friends and other people? ]: Whatever they look doesn't affect me
[ Believe in witches? ]: No
[ Believe in ghosts? ]: no
Current:
[ Mood ]: tired, back hurts, regretting things, thinking about the next few days
[ Make-up ]: None
[ Taste ]: eh.. i feel like chocolate milk
[ Annoyance ]: I dunno
[ Smell ]: mj... *sigh*
[ Thought ]: memories
[ Fingernail Color ]: natural colours...
[ Refreshment ]: water
[ Worry ]: about too many people
[ Crush ]: none.. or maybe i don't realize it yet
[ Favorite Celebrity ]: angelina jolie and cameron diaz

Last Person:
[ You Touched ]: Um... i dunno
[ You Talked to ]: Sean
[ You Hugged ]: Ha... hrm... mum?
[ You Instant messaged ]: Xan
[ You Yelled At ]: don't remember
[ You Had A Crush On ]: ...
[ Who broke Your Heart ]: ...
[ Kissed ]: ....

Who do you want to:
[ Kill ]: no one
[ Slap ]: myself
[ Tickle ]: everyone :P
[ Talk To ]: whoever would listen
[ Have Sex with ]: all the hot girls on campus HAHAHA
[ Kiss ]: look up
[ Be Like ]: mike! ... no.. hrm... i don't want to be anybody
Basics::
name: Alex
Age: 18
Loc: Kingston
Hair: black with orangey highlights
Eyes: dark brown
Height: 5'3"
Sexual Orientation: straight
Style::
Shirts: loose fitting... whatever feels comfortable and looks decently alright
Pants: loose...preferrably baggy ones... dark colours
Shoes: dark colour boots or hiking shoes
Hair: meh...
Love Life:
Bf or GF: none
Their name: NONE
Anniversary: N O N E
Describe them: Hello? I said NONE
Music:
Fave styles: rock, rap, pop, whatever.. really depends on mood
Fave Bands: Our Lady Peace

Insomnia:

twinkle twinkle
little pain
I see you’ve come
to play again
lodged here in my soul so tight
turning brightness into night
twinkle twinkle
tearing ache
please let me sleep
to never wake….

…now I lay me down to sleep
my life in tatters at my feet..
if I should Wake before I die
I pray these tattered wings can fly..

twinkle twinkle
empathic strain
I never want to feel again
trapped here in this world so cold
where self is wrong
and Us is gold.
twinkle twinkle
falling tear..
how i wonder why i'm here..

by ladynyk

The monologue.
Have hope.	But why hope?
Because it is what keeps you alive.	Why do you want to be alive?
Because I want to help. The ones I care and love.	But they don't let you help anyways. So why are you still trying?
Because I want to. Because they will accept me one day.	Naive fool.
I refuse to give up.	Just you wait...
Hope has kept me alive.	But you don't belong.
I know. But I want to feel I belong.	You never will. The world is too cold and alone.
Alone...	Alone...

Empty. It's like belonging no where. You don't know where it begins, where it ends, and where you fit in the whole picture.
Where do I fit?

Several people have asked for an explanation of Marketing. Perhaps the following analogies will help clear it up:

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
-- That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
-- That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
-- That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
-- That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
-- That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.
-- That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
-- That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
-- That's Spam.

New Year's Related Survey"

1. At midnight I kissed: nobody
2. The first thing I ate this year: gum? I dunno
3. The first thing I drank this year: a sip of champagne
4. The first person who e-mailed me this year: don't think anyone has yet
5. The first person I e-mailed this year: erm... forget
6. The first thing I watched on TV this year: One Hour Photo... interesting movie
7. The first song I listened to this year: Reaaallly have no clue


Five things that 2002 taught me:
1. Love sucks. Especially unrequited ones.
2. University is not the end of useless boring courses.
3. You really got to work. And not procrastinate in university.
4. I am alone. In more ways than one.
5. Tempus Fugit.


Five personally significant events of 2002:
1. First "relationship"
2. Moving to university/graduating from highschool.
3. A single conversation.
4. Grandfather.
5. Robotics.


Five things I want to do in 2003:
1. Get better grades. Stop procrastinating (so much).
2. Be truly happy at least once.
3. Get a job.
4. Sleep on a more regular schedule and more normal times.
5. Find some new and really good friends here in Kingston. Or find that one person that will seriously listen to me.


Five things I don't want to do in 2003:
1. Let someone hurt me again.
2. Fail the year.
3. Be so horribly depressed all the time.
4. Lose contact with the good friends I already have.
5. Not do something because I am afraid.


Five people who I would like to know better in 2003:
1. My family.
2. Myself.
3. ...
4. ...
5. ...
Working on it... maybe will update the last three people later when I decide.

Silence is all I hear.
Nothing is all I feel.
The thunder rolls in the distance.
It came. The pain. It faded.
Happiness is my masquerade.

Silence.

Modification to the words of Avril Lavigne:
"Somebody ripped my heart out
And left me here to bleed"

Don't.

Don't tell me to calm down.
     Don't tell me to cheer up.
          Don't tell me to smile.
               Don't tell me to stop being so hard on myself.
                    Don't tell me it's going to be alright.

                          Don't.

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire or dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

What have I truly become?

When the weight of the world is upon your shoulders
You begin to see through everything
And realize the frailty of life
The pointlessness, the pain, the rare joys
And you begin to feel the slightest moment around you
Even the drop of a pin can cause you the most excruciating pain

Help.

Make me feel there is a point in breaking my back.