I'm tired...

I'm tired emotionally.
I'm tired physically.
I'm tired mentally.

I'm tired of being tired.
I'm tired of hurting.
I'm tired of being cold, sad, and alone.
I'm tired of being hypocritical.
I'm tired of being the asshole.
I'm tired of screwing up.
I'm tired of being angry.
I'm tired of being sad.
I'm tired of being weak.
I'm tired of being frustrated.
I'm tired of hurting everyone I love.
I'm tired of being unable to cry.

I'm tired of hating every song on the radio because I can relate to them all.
I'm tired of dreading Christmas because it reminds me of her.
I'm tired of having everything that reminds me of her make me hurt.
I'm tired of having to distract myself every waking minute.
I'm tired of not being able to sleep.
I'm tired of being afraid to sleep.

I'm tired of saying goodbyes.
I'm tired of being unable to decide.
I'm tired of letting go and not letting go.
I'm tired of fighting against her.
I'm tired of hurting her.
I'm tired of fighting against myself.
I'm tired of hating.
I'm tired of worrying about her.
I'm tired of being afraid to even think about happy things about her because of the pain that follows.
I'm tired of being afraid to think.
I'm tired of being afraid to dream.
I'm tired of her hating me.
I'm tired of her being angry at me.
I'm tired of the silence.

I'm tired of knowing she is crying,
hurting,
and at the end of her rope,
and me not being able to be there for her.
I'm tired of being afraid tomorrow may be the last.

I'm tired of whining.
I'm tired of feeling desparate.
I'm tired of having no one.
I'm tired of having no one want me.
I'm tired of feeling ugly.
I'm tired of burdening everyone with all this.
I'm tired of the grim future ahead.

I'm tired regretting.
I'm tired of remembering.
I'm tired of hoping but knowing it will never happen.

I'm tired of doing what I should because I don't know anything else.
I'm tired of not having enough strength to do them.
I'm tired of pretending to be okay.

I'm tired.
So fucking tired.

I'm just tired of everything.

Please leave me alone.

You Have A Type B+ Personality

You're a pro at going with the flow You love to kick back and take in everything life has to offer A total joy to be around, people crave your stability. While you're totally laid back, you can have bouts of hyperactivity. Get into a project you love, and you won't stop until it's done You're passionate - just selective about your passions

Do You Have a Type A Personality?

Procrastinating...

It's been so busy since my last post, I really haven't had time or the energy to update. To keep things sorta organized, I'll do it point form. :P

1. My Blackberry can't receive SMS text messages. So please do not try and send them to me. If you must contact me ASAP, obviously please call. If it is a minor thing and a phone call is not necessary, send an email to alexl1[at]telus.blackberry.net


2. World class data centres are typically designed with so much redundancy that failures are quite rare. This past week, it was my turn to be on Front-line support. It's basically a week where, not only do I work during the day, but after hours, if any problems occur with our servers at the data centres, my wonderful Blackberry will alert me and it is my responsibility to investigate and resolve the issues. Guess what happened Saturday night? At around 11pm, I started getting a steady stream of about 25 alerts every five minutes. Got to the data centre at around 1:30am. Found out that idiots at the data centre were doing maintenance on the power systems and caused a major power failure for the entire data centre for 5 mins. All our servers rebooted. Some came back up but others didn't. Long story short, I didn't get home till 9:30am. It was a wonderful initiation into the routine of Front-line support. Needless to say, I've had very little sleep this past week.


3. Ya know that "break" I was getting with regards to doing websites? Ya I fucked up. I have been so busy and exhausted after work, I have done squat for that website. Now I'm sorta afraid to call the guy back.


4. I hate video editing. At least this particular project anyways. Maybe its cuz I'm new to it. But it's been really annoying, really long, and very time consuming. Remind me to never take on such a project again unless it is for leisure (until I get good at it).


5. I don't know what's wrong with me. I am exhausted every day I come home from work. It's not like I do a lot of physical labour at work. It's mostly just driving around, pushing buttons, the occasional running around... but I'm STILL so very tired every night. Caffeine helps in the mornings. But it does nothing for me at night anymore. And because I'm so freakin tired, I can't do anything. I just have no energy to concentrate. Maybe I'm getting old lol.


6. My boss got me to work at 10pm on a Sunday today.


7. Got skipped out on by a friend...


8. I'm going to see Phantom on my bday!! YAY!


9. Congrats to Al and Al ;)

So ya, as you can see, this week has sucked. A lot. It hasn't been a very good week at all. There other crap I haven't even begun to write out. So... I'm hoping next week is gonna be better. Here's to hoping.

Tired.

So work is going alright. Sorta mundane stuff right now. The past week and a half, I've had someone train me and teach me a lot of stuff I'll be doing. But this past Friday was his last day, so starting today, I'll be on my own. *cringe* And I'll be taking over his Blackberry. Yes yes, I know it sounds cool and I may look important with it, but it is more a curse than a blessing. I'll have to keep it on me 24/7 and my boss will be able to call me anytime :( Not looking forward to that. Plus, eventually, I'll be in a rotation with all the other guys at work where once every five weeks, I'll be on call anytime during the week. So if any servers go down, it'll be up to me to go down there and fix it. Bah.

Maybe I'm getting freakin old. I come home from work, and I'm exhausted. I mean, at school, I used to pull all-nighters, sleep at 3am and wake up at 8:30 for classes... and I'd be fine. Granted, I took naps between classes but still. This has made it difficult to work on the website. I come home, and I'm so tired, I just go to sleep.

Anyhow, in terms of good things, I saw kats and AG today. We went to watch the Raptors practice for free at the ACC. Some sorta FanFest. It was pretty neat. First time I've ever seen the Raptors live.

That's it. My life has become quite boring. Work, sleep, and very little play. Someone's gotta get me to haul ass and do the website. Cuz once I finish, I plan to start working out too. Maybe that'll give me more energy.

3

I'm batman.

You scored as Batman, the Dark Knight. As the Dark Knight of Gotham, Batman is a vigilante who deals out his own brand of justice to the criminals and corrupt of the city. He follows his own code and is often misunderstood. He has few friends or allies, but finds comfort in his cause. Batman, the Dark Knight 83% Lara Croft 67% Neo, the "One" 67% Captain Jack Sparrow 58% Maximus 54% The Terminator 54% Indiana Jones 50% El Zorro 50% William Wallace 50% The Amazing Spider-Man 42% James Bond, Agent 007 33% Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0 created with QuizFarm.com

Busy busy...

So beyond things being really busy inside my head, my life is also getting quite busy. And it's a wonderful change from bumming around at home all summer. Although it sorta sucks, cuz I'm again very tired from working so hard.

First of all, I'm trying to finish up one website. It's been the whole summer. And I still haven't finished. I'm such a slacker. As much as I am proud of the site, I really ought to just pull two or three days in a row together and hunker down and just finish the damn thing. It's come to a point where AG has started to do some of the work himself cuz I guess he's fed up waiting for me to do it lol. I'm so sorry. I am setting a personal goal to finish the site soon.

And speaking of AG. He's gotten me a job! Well, he referred me to his former employment. It's not exactly what I want to be doing. But beggars can't be choosers and it is a line of work I am decently interested in. It pays decently well. The office is 5 min from home. The boss is okay I haven't graduated yet. He's so nice, in fact, that he's even okay that I'll have to go to school part time next term. So, I mean, I really can't ask for more. Now, if he would only just call/email me back to setup an appointment to sign the job offer.

As if that isn't exciting enough, I may very well have just got my first "break" as a freelance web designer! SD referred me to this guy. And he wants me to do an entertainment website (no, not porno... geez... mind out of the gutter please). He is apparently very well connected, and so if I do a good job, impress him, he may refer his buddies to me for web design in the future :)

Oh and I went to an Argos game Saturday. AG had some free tickets. It was fun. First time I was at the Skydome (down with the Roger's Centre!) for a sporting event. And only my second live sports event I've ever been to. And today, after a meeting downtown, I met up with my sister. My sister is awesome. I had a wonderful time chatting and drinking free crappy Starbucks coffee with her :P Have I mentioned my sister is awesome?

So that's my exciting news these past few weeks. It's the very beginning of success on some very low level. But it's still success. The consequence of all this though is that I am lacking a lot of much needed sleep. So off I go to sleep.

Thanks everyone

I know I don't say this nearly enough. But I just want to thank everyone that's tried to help me through this entire ordeal so far. I honestly don't know what the hell I'd be doing otherwise. I know I may have frustrated many many of you repeatedly. But I think I'm feeling better. At least right now I am. So thank you, each and every one of you.

My sister has managed to make me feel a lot better tonight. She has put everything into perspective and I can't thank her enough. Knowing me though, I'll probably need to talk to her a few more times about this before I'll be through.

Thanks for sticking with me.

Fuck you and goodbye.

First and foremost, I think this is way overdue: Fuck you. I’ve wanted to say it before but I wasn’t quite sure you deserved it yet. But now, you do. You fully do. I normally aim to be an objective person that isn’t judgemental. In this case, I don’t fucking care anymore. I hate you. You have now lied to me TWICE. Saying you weren’t dating and yet you actually fucking fucked the guy. I’m done with you. I am washing my hands clean of you. I am taking everything you gave me and putting it away and never ever going to look back. You say you didn’t want to tell me before because you didn’t want to hurt me. You know what I think? I think you didn’t want to tell me because you are afraid to admit it to me. Because you are afraid of losing ALL my respect and lose me forever even as a friend. It is funny… you told me your Dad thought you were a slut and that you were sleeping with Adrian. I can’t believe he’s right. He’s even right about the fact that you can’t stand up to the consequences of your actions. You couldn’t even tell me you slept with him when it happened.

Let’s put it this way, if I take the point of my life where I had the most respect for you as 100 and the absolutely no respect for you as 0, you are nicely hovering around 10 right now. You were at 75 when you made out with that guy years ago. You were at 65 or so when you dated Adrian. You were at 40 when you lied to me the first time. You are now at 10 and it’ll probably go lower as I mull over this. Congradulations. I don’t care if you realize it was a mistake. You made a conscious decision at some point that night and did it. Ask anybody and they will tell you one week is a little short to be sleeping with someone already. But not only that, let’s not lie, we still had emotional ties and yet you still slept with him. I don’t know where your morality and your conscience was that night but I obviously didn’t even cross your mind. You must obviously NOT respect me or or what we had at all. You say you love me. But I don’t think you even know what that word means anymore. Compared to the fact you dated him, this totally blows it out of the water. You don’t even have enough self-confidence that you felt the need to sleep with someone so quickly.

I’ve said probably a dozen times over the past few months that I wouldn’t talk to you again. I’ve always gone back and talked to you eventually anyways because I cared. Because I still hoped. Beause I still truly wanted to remain friends at the very least. But guess what? I don’t want to anymore. I can stay friends with people that lose my respect generally. But I can’t do it when they not only lose my respect but also purposely hurt me repeatedly in the process. Here I was, so nieve and hopeful for the past few months. When all along, you have been playing me for a fool. And you have the audacity to continue talking to me like nothing has happened. And your friends think I am the one playing the mind games. If sleeping with someone else in a druken haze 4 months after a meaningful 3 year relationship AND lying about it twice isn’t mind games, I don’t know what is. You also lost the respect of all my friends. They don’t want to see you because of this. That’s right. We could have gone out to meet you tonight. I hope you are proud of yourself.

So I’m done. I’m deleting all my previous posts that showed any sign you were in my thoughts over the past few months. You don’t deserve me. And I deserve better. I don’t want to have anything to do with you anymore. Unless you are dying, don’t call me. It has been a meaningful 3 years. I don’t regret it. But I am beginning to hate what you have become. And I thought my comments about thinking that you were perhaps sleeping with dozens of men were totally baseless and uncalled for. Enjoy your life and however the hell you want to live it. Be an alcoholic, smoke like a chimney and sleep around. I am going to enjoy mine WITHOUT you in it.

Ya this post is public. Anyone that knows about my blog can read it. Too fucking bad. I no longer care if the entire world knows. This is the consequence of your actions.

Fuck you and goodbye.

You are at 4 now btw.

Homecoming '06!

WEee! So Homecoming weekend was lots of fun. I went up on Thursday night and came back Sunday night. Wendy got PLASTERED! It was hilarious! Well, the puking part wasn't so funny but she acted real funny before and after. Nothing like people cheering you on when you are puking.
Got nicely stoned and drunk. Fun times.
Aberdeen was milder this year. No flipped cars. They had water stations throughout the street to sober people up. Also they had tons of volunteers to help people with bottles to switch to a plastic cup. Toronto Police was there to help with surveillance using cameras. And the OPP made their presence known but didn't really obstruct the party. They kept it within Aberdeen and only handed out tickets and made arrests when absolutely necessary. I think the students were also a bit more cooperative this year. They still rushed the field during the football game (which I didn't go to, but I read this), but they left promptly before halftime was over. So, ya overall, I think they did a good job this year.
The only thing that sorta sucked was that while everyone was usually trying to recover from hangovers during the day, while I am ready to go for some more. Stupid fast metabolism! It's a curse I tell ya! Another not so happy thing was that I accidentally broke my camera. As it stands right now, it looks like it'll cost me $150 to fix it :(
But, the pictures were still intact, so if anyone wants my pictures, let me know!

Thanks for the pain and suffering.

"There were only two reasons he came with me that night: one, was for moral support ... The other reason, of course, was to hurt you."

The rare update...

Ya, I suppose I should update... lol

So what's been up with me?
Let's see, lots of work. Lots of not working in between the lots of work. Midterms suck and so do having tons of assignments, projects, and labs due. Finally reading week. Now it's off to get my ass moving to find a job so I don't become a leeching bum. Can't wait till I graduate.

What else?... erm.. getting another year older in 30 min or so. That's... semi exciting. Stupid birthday always in the middle of reading week. Never get to celebrate it with my friends until AFTER. Bah. And ya know how afterwards, it loses it's momentum and you don't feel like celebrating anymore? Ya... that's how I usually feel by the time everyone is back.

Tap tap tap ;)

So ya, that's my update. My life is pretty boring. So unless you wanna make it more exciting for me... quit complaining about the lack of updates (*ahem* wendy *ahem* update YOUR damn blog).

That is all.

Happy Birthday Wendy!

Woohoo! Look who's getting old again! ;)
hehehe

Happy New Years!

WEee 2006!!! W00t!

Although, I am doing nothing but sitting here and cleaning out and formating my desktop. I'm such a nerd :D