I'm tired...

I'm tired emotionally.
I'm tired physically.
I'm tired mentally.

I'm tired of being tired.
I'm tired of hurting.
I'm tired of being cold, sad, and alone.
I'm tired of being hypocritical.
I'm tired of being the asshole.
I'm tired of screwing up.
I'm tired of being angry.
I'm tired of being sad.
I'm tired of being weak.
I'm tired of being frustrated.
I'm tired of hurting everyone I love.
I'm tired of being unable to cry.

I'm tired of hating every song on the radio because I can relate to them all.
I'm tired of dreading Christmas because it reminds me of her.
I'm tired of having everything that reminds me of her make me hurt.
I'm tired of having to distract myself every waking minute.
I'm tired of not being able to sleep.
I'm tired of being afraid to sleep.

I'm tired of saying goodbyes.
I'm tired of being unable to decide.
I'm tired of letting go and not letting go.
I'm tired of fighting against her.
I'm tired of hurting her.
I'm tired of fighting against myself.
I'm tired of hating.
I'm tired of worrying about her.
I'm tired of being afraid to even think about happy things about her because of the pain that follows.
I'm tired of being afraid to think.
I'm tired of being afraid to dream.
I'm tired of her hating me.
I'm tired of her being angry at me.
I'm tired of the silence.

I'm tired of knowing she is crying,
hurting,
and at the end of her rope,
and me not being able to be there for her.
I'm tired of being afraid tomorrow may be the last.

I'm tired of whining.
I'm tired of feeling desparate.
I'm tired of having no one.
I'm tired of having no one want me.
I'm tired of feeling ugly.
I'm tired of burdening everyone with all this.
I'm tired of the grim future ahead.

I'm tired regretting.
I'm tired of remembering.
I'm tired of hoping but knowing it will never happen.

I'm tired of doing what I should because I don't know anything else.
I'm tired of not having enough strength to do them.
I'm tired of pretending to be okay.

I'm tired.
So fucking tired.

I'm just tired of everything.

Please leave me alone.

You Have A Type B+ Personality

You're a pro at going with the flow You love to kick back and take in everything life has to offer A total joy to be around, people crave your stability. While you're totally laid back, you can have bouts of hyperactivity. Get into a project you love, and you won't stop until it's done You're passionate - just selective about your passions

Do You Have a Type A Personality?

Procrastinating...

It's been so busy since my last post, I really haven't had time or the energy to update. To keep things sorta organized, I'll do it point form. :P

1. My Blackberry can't receive SMS text messages. So please do not try and send them to me. If you must contact me ASAP, obviously please call. If it is a minor thing and a phone call is not necessary, send an email to alexl1[at]telus.blackberry.net


2. World class data centres are typically designed with so much redundancy that failures are quite rare. This past week, it was my turn to be on Front-line support. It's basically a week where, not only do I work during the day, but after hours, if any problems occur with our servers at the data centres, my wonderful Blackberry will alert me and it is my responsibility to investigate and resolve the issues. Guess what happened Saturday night? At around 11pm, I started getting a steady stream of about 25 alerts every five minutes. Got to the data centre at around 1:30am. Found out that idiots at the data centre were doing maintenance on the power systems and caused a major power failure for the entire data centre for 5 mins. All our servers rebooted. Some came back up but others didn't. Long story short, I didn't get home till 9:30am. It was a wonderful initiation into the routine of Front-line support. Needless to say, I've had very little sleep this past week.


3. Ya know that "break" I was getting with regards to doing websites? Ya I fucked up. I have been so busy and exhausted after work, I have done squat for that website. Now I'm sorta afraid to call the guy back.


4. I hate video editing. At least this particular project anyways. Maybe its cuz I'm new to it. But it's been really annoying, really long, and very time consuming. Remind me to never take on such a project again unless it is for leisure (until I get good at it).


5. I don't know what's wrong with me. I am exhausted every day I come home from work. It's not like I do a lot of physical labour at work. It's mostly just driving around, pushing buttons, the occasional running around... but I'm STILL so very tired every night. Caffeine helps in the mornings. But it does nothing for me at night anymore. And because I'm so freakin tired, I can't do anything. I just have no energy to concentrate. Maybe I'm getting old lol.


6. My boss got me to work at 10pm on a Sunday today.


7. Got skipped out on by a friend...


8. I'm going to see Phantom on my bday!! YAY!


9. Congrats to Al and Al ;)

So ya, as you can see, this week has sucked. A lot. It hasn't been a very good week at all. There other crap I haven't even begun to write out. So... I'm hoping next week is gonna be better. Here's to hoping.